Charlie Mackenzie: Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed?"He wants you back," he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It's really hard. This poem... sucks.
Charlie Mackenzie: How many people have you brutally murdered?
Harriet Michaels: Well, brutal's a very subjective word. I mean, what's brutal to one person might be totally reasonable to somebody else.
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you gotta believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Betty, Judy, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they make me horny, Saturday morny... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Hey Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.
Charlie Mackenzie: No, not really. Usually I follow the Judao-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill." But, that's just me.
Charlie Mackenzie: I'm afraid you're gonna ki - leave me.
Harriet Michaels: That I'm gonna cleave you?
Tony Giardino: Charlie, two words: therapy.
Charlie Mackenzie: I like the night life. I like to boogie.
Charlie MacKenzie: Hey, mom. I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News as "the paper." The paper contains facts.
May MacKenzie: This paper contains facts. And this paper has the 8th highest circulation in the whole wide world. All right? Plenty of facts. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact.
John Johnson: My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.
Stuart Mackenzie: Look at the size of that boy's heed.
Tony Giardino: Shhh.
Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.
Tony Giardino: Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.
Stuart Mackenzie: Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid.
Tony Giardino: Shh.
Stuart Mackenzie: Has it's own weather system.
Tony Giardino: Sh, sh, shh.
Stuart Mackenzie: Head! move.
Stuart Mackenzie: Let's get pissed.
May Mackenzie: Charlie, would you like a juice?
May Mackenzie: Look at what I've bought myself, a Juice Tiger.
Charlie Mackenzie: A Juice Tiger?
May Mackenzie: Yes, I juice everything now.
May Mackenzie: I'm on a new diet.
May Mackenzie: I'm on a Weekly World News Garth Brooks Juice Diet.
Harriet Michaels: I have a surprise for you.
Charlie Mackenzie: What is it?
Harriet Michaels: It's a health shake. And I made it especially for you. Try it.
Charlie Mackenzie: Thank you, no. Thanks. Thanks.
Charlie Mackenzie: Marry me.
Harriet: No.
Charlie Mackenzie: Please?
Charlie Mackenzie: Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life... Jane, get me off this crazy thing called love.
Maureen O'Boyle: But first up tonight, the justice department reports an alarming rise in the number of poisoning murders across the United States. And that eighty seven per cent of the poison murders occur within the family.
Tony Giardino: What's the news?
Police Chief: Oh, you wanna hear the news? Well, here's the news! It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders.
Tony Giardino: I knew she would! I knew it.
Police Chief: Yeah! Right! Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase! A nutcase.
John Johnson: Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "bitch." And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the bitch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the bitch's ocular cavities. (short pause) This way to the cafeteria.
Rose Michaels: Well... you know Harriet.
Charlie Mackenzie: Well, actually, I don't.
Rose Michaels: But you did have sex with her.
Charlie Mackenzie: Hello.
Charlie Mackenzie: Tell me one bad thing that you've done, and it better be evil.
Harriet Michaels: How evil?
Charlie Mackenzie: Really evil. Like so evil, that you would say it was E-VEEL, like it's the FRU-ETS of the DEV-EEL. E-VEEL.
Answer: Real Russian, here. Sailor #1 says "she's a little thin." Sailor #2 says* "she looks really good to me." Harriet says "Yes. Very good." Sailor #1 says "Damn, she understands Russian." Harriet says "See you later, boys." (*Очень даже ничего is an idiom.) Мальчики or "malchiki" is "boys."